Larry regails us with tales from Tolworth Arms Park.
The crack of dawn marked the sign of a new day at the Tolworth Arms Park. Today would have a greater significance as the 23rd October 2021 would mark the return (revenge) fixture against Merton. The now infamous desolation of Racal Decca @ the Morden recreation ground was not forgotten. It burns in the heart and souls of those who played that fateful Autumnal Saturday Afternoon (similar to that of scar that was deemed inoperable for removal due to its locale on the inside of your eye lids after a heavy weekend away in Torquay for a stag).
Racal Decca were sustained by decent numbers on paper, right until kick off, until it became apparent that Morgz the calf and King Cole sacked off rugby to attend a small overnight vigil outside Buckingham Palace. The news that Queen Elizabeth II spent an unplanned day in hospital has really hit the young duo (a lot harder than most would think as they are both fervent republicans since learning about the English civil wars).
They returned home Sunday evening (hungry but happy) with royalist sympathies in their hearts.
On this return (revenge) fixture, Merton turned up to the Tolworth Arms Park with numbers just shy over 10 (a far cry from the previous match a few weeks ago @ the morden recreation ground where they had 20 odd). Keen to get a game of rugby going….. Deji Eddy, Lights Out Matty T, and the Kent Ripper went over to play for the opposition (Paul presumably to avenge his hospital pass from Quincey the previous week – he wouldn’t get a chance though).
The opening 20 minutes was a turgid affair as neither team could maintain sustained pressure to yield any meaningful possession or points. Racal Decca were fielding their 6th centre combination of the season so far – Pixar Mike and Ricky Ross both being crash ball inside centres found it somewhat difficult getting the ball to the wider channels.
Benjamin Tailz and Chip kick linked up well on the short side, but a guilt edge chance for Quince to score was spurned when Benjy decided to throw a basketball pass to nobody…… and the chance went begging. When queried about the pass, Ben conceded that he thought he was passing to Bigg Matt… A confusing statement given the 4 feet of height difference between the number 8 and scrum half (notwithstanding the pass itself was way behind the play). Benjamin Tailz would however make amends capping off a wonderful team effort to score and break the deadlock with the only try of the first half. Racal Decca keeping the ball extremely tight near the breakdowns finally wore Merton down and penalties were conceded. Stroudenheisen, Hazard, Sammy T and Hippie Mike smashed the opposition defense to create some space for Benjy to score just right of the posts. Woody added the extras to bring a close to the first half. Racal Decca were leading 7-0.
The second half Merton started the game with some renewed vigour. Racal Decca’s very own Cambridge Analytica (Eddy, Paul, and Matty T) were embarking on a salacious scandal of divulging the inner workings of the boys in blue to assist Merton with their political ambitions (as well as the game at hand).
Merton rapidly went through the gears like a HGV coming out of the port of Felixstowe to unleash untold try line pressure on Racal Decca. It was all a bit too much, and the chink in the armour was exploited with a pinpoint arrow preciseness!! Merton’s scrum half converted to bring the scores level.
Racal Decca didn’t panic (yet)…. It was more a case of rustiness and inhibition that was determined to be the changes in fortune…. (or so we thought). Merton hit back with their second try not long after their first… and again this was converted by their scrum half….
Racal Decca were now entering panic stations…. This was perhaps best personified by Ben trying to decapitate those who got near him with his elbow, and himself strangling an old aged pensioner with a text book handoff (text book if it had been 2 metres lower to the torso).
Merton became wise to the fact Decca were almost exclusively trying to attack very narrow, and the second half they adjusted. Realising this, Decca went back to try and employ a wider game. Bigg Matt, Stroudy and Ricky Ross got themselves filling in the back line in an attempt to get a numerical advantage out wide.
On his debut, Jorge received a wonderful pass down the line from Fix-it Wren and Samuel T. Spanish George pinned his ears back and it looked like for all money he would bag his first Decca try on his debut. Unfortunately Stoneleigh George was pulled down agonisingly short of the try line. He did have the wherewithal to pop an offload off the ground to Swedish Larz to score. Robbo Woodz converted to bring the scores back level with a sigh of relief.
Merton’s immeasurable pain wouldn’t be taken sitting down like some masochist in a dungeon on day release. Eddy, Matty T and Paul continued to play games of their lives. Matty T being somewhat overexuberant gave away a penalty when he tripped and fell over his own legs and put the knee into Chip Kick. Woody managed to clear up field for another attack, but the ball was fielded elegantly by Paul B. A turnover in the middle of the field by Bigg Matt and Bo-Jangles released Ross to the outside, Ricky Ross then fed the ball to Pixar-Mike, who gave the ball to Napoleon. Larz burned the winger on the outside to run 600m for the final try of the match under the post. Holmes and Watson scored the conversion to put Racal Decca back ahead for the first time since the first half.
In the final 10mins, Merton again upped he pressure, and again it was through Racal Decca’s exiles. Benjamin Tailz keen to put a big hit on Deji Eddy….. was left clasping for air, and received a face full of mud when the prop pirouetted around Ben’s attempt (with the gracefulness of a Maersk Tanker negotiating a U turn in the Suez canal), and for good measure gave Ben a (litteral) hand to the ground. The yardage gained came to nothing as Merton’s overzealous winger decided to take the Roman road to the try line, by running sideways. Quince and Fix-it Wren tackled the danger man, then Hazard and Bo-Jangles got over the ball to get a penalty. Keen to make the game safe beyond doubt, Big Matt kicked over the penalty to ensure the victory.
The game finished Racal Decca 24 – 14 Merton.
Racal Decca Team: 15; – German Larz, 14; – Stoneleigh George, 13; – Ricky Ross (Whitelock), 12; – Pixar-Mike, 11; – 10; – Tackles anything, Fix-it Wren, 1; Holmes & Watson – 2; – The Welsh Hazard, 3; – Lights ON (Samuel T) 4; – Bo-Jangles (Luke) 5; Stroudenheisen – 6; – , 7; – Benjamin Tailz, 8; – B166-ER (Bigg) Matt 9;- Chip Kick Quince
Sub:
Merton Team: Merton 2s regulars, Ballerina Eddy, The Kent Ripper, Lights OFF (Matty T)
Debutant: StoneMason Jorge (George)
Tries: Benjamin Tailz, German Larz x 2
Conversions: Galliard Holmes (Woody) x 3
Penalty: B1-66ER Matt
Opta Jonny stats: Worst performance in defense statistically by Ben (Great try though).
Head Coach and Director of Rugby: Matthew Taylor (lights OUT)
Next game: TBC